Keep dancing the dance? Really? Keep dancing this dance? Forever?
This is hard. I kept telling myself that once I reached my fitness goals that it would be easier. It isn’t. It is just different hard.
Don’t let that discourage you. It is still worth every day of tears. Every cookie passed. Every workout when I was too tired to think straight. Worth every stinking minute.
I feel better than I ever have. I can put on clothes and move on with my day. I can wake up in the morning without an alarm to do my exercise. I know the calorie count of the things I eat without having to look everything up. I have learned a lot. A lot of things that will be in my brain forever and I am grateful.
But it doesn’t get easier.
Now I am dealing with a body that feels foreign to me. Now I am dealing with finding out how to maintain my weight for the first time in my life. Now I am trying to find the balance between what I eat and how many miles I spend pounding the pavement so that I am fueling my body efficiently but not over-efficiently. The game keeps changing on me.
I really don’t need to be skinny. I don’t really want that. I do want to be strong. I do want to have strong arms that look like I work out. I have a thing for strong arms. Yes, it is vanity but I’m trying to keep things honest. I’m finding that you can’t run distance without losing muscle tone. It happens and is not fun. It’s irritating.
I have found that eventually you can enjoy running. Eventually you can run and talk to your running partners for most of it. Eventually it gives you a high of sorts. The saying is true, it is the “pain you enjoy.” My body hates me for making it run. I keep fighting it. I want to run but running a marathon and then having knee replacements at 40 isn’t a good gig either. I need to be kind to this body. That is the hard part.
I have found that I still like sugar. A lot. I need to have a sugar detox again and rid my body of it. I feel awful with it in me and yet it is my drug of choice. I need to make a new friend.
The hard thing about food being your vice is that you have to keep eating. If you are an alcoholic they tell you to make new friends that aren’t involved with it. But you have to eat. It is just part of life (at least if you want to stay alive.) You can’t cut off friends that eat because well you wouldn’t have any. It is also tricky because something that a friend can eat might be just fine for them and their metabolism and yet wrecks havoc on yours. What a tricky dance we dance.
I don’t mean to be a downer. Just a realist that the journey doesn’t end at 100 days. It doesn’t end when you meet your goals. New goals have to be made. New mountains have to be climbed. If the 10k that I was lucky enough to run last week was any indication, it is worth the climb.
I didn’t realize how emotional that journey would be. I didn’t realize how many high-highs and very low-lows would come with a goal that seemed impossible. I new I could finish it. But the competitive person in me didn’t want to just finish but wanted to do well. Run my very best. I feel like I did but I am quite sure I had angels pushing me through the last mile when my hips were on fire and wanted to stop swinging. These mountains in our life are worth the time and effort. Every last painful step of them. The view from the top is amazing and for a moment you feel like you are King of the Mountain.
But if you will take the time while you are up there to look around with the clarity that comes from up high you will see there are many beautiful, challenging mountains around you. I need to remember that as I start a new ascent.